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  • I peed all over the farmers market....

  • I play mushroom games with my kids....

  • I ran out of toilet paper so have......

  • I rarely find cocaine jokes funny....

  • I recently learned that humans farts have sounded the same since ancient Egypt....

  • I refer to Monday-Thursday as "Greg" and Friday-Sunday as "Ian"....

  • I refuse to use shampoo in my hair......

  • I said to my wife "this duvet is so soft!...

  • I sat front row at a comedy club for cannibals....

  • I saw a piece of toast at the zoo....

  • I saw a piece of toast in a......

  • I saw someone in the supermarket with a stick inside one of the wheels....

  • I saw this French looking guy in the restroom ....

  • I saw two pieces of toast in a zoo the other day....

  • I should be on HGTV with my DIY tips like....

  • I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once....

  • I spent the weekend hanging out with a......

  • I spilled tea on my MacBook......

  • I squirted ketchup in my eyes the other day....

  • I started a nightclub for guys with erectile dysfunction....

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