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  • I DON'T USE LOWER CASE LETTERS LIKE SOME SOCIALIST....

  • I don't usually laugh at fart jokes......

  • I don't want my kids to watch orchestra......

  • I don't want to brag about my golf......

  • I don't watch the NFL, so I don't know who Taylor Swift is....

  • I doubt always go the extra mile....

  • I doubt this will get much attention, due to the limited target audience, but it did make my wife groan....

  • I dreamed I was a vinyl record....

  • I dreamt last night that I weighed less......

  • I dreamt last night that my spirit arose from a toilet bowl....

  • I dreamt of a good joke about the Ottoman Empire but now that I'm awake I can't remember all the fine details....

  • I dreamt that I was a wooden ruler....

  • I drilled a hole today, and thought I'd......

  • I dropped my entire six pack of beer......

  • I dropped my glasses in the toilet......

  • I enjoy singing in the shower......

  • I enjoy telling dad jokes......

  • I enjoyed my childhood when Dad would put me in a tire and roll me down the hill....

  • I estimate that 95% of Reddit users pick their nose and eat it, 50% dont wash their hands after the bathroom, 12....

  • I failed to qualify for work singing like a soprano sheep....

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